Thursday, April 2, 2015

Joslyn turns 2!!!

I love parties, I love celebrating, I love good moments that I never want to end. I'm learning to savor moments instead of worrying about the next thing I need to do. When something awesome is happening I need to be there. This past week I had the wonderful opportunity to have my family in town. 

We got to go to the zoo. Mum took Thayne on a camel ride. Joslyn chickened out last minute. 
I didn't take a lot of pictures at the zoo because honestly I was soaking it all in. My kids loved being with grandma and grandpa at the zoo. I even teared up there were so many beautiful moments. Happiness is truly beautiful. 

Joslyn got to wear her first braid, hair done by uncle Garett. I'm still learning to braid. 

One of my favorite childhood memories of time spent with my mother is sewing with her. Which is why I wanted so desperately to be good at it. When Joslyn climbed on my mum's lap I couldn't help but savor this moment. It brought back a lot of fond memories. 

Uncle Garett had a birthday on Friday so we celebrated by making a watermelon cake ours may not be pinterest worthy but I hear it tasted delicious. (I'm allergic) happiness here was seeing everyone enjoy the "cake" even though I couldn't share in the tastiness. I shared in the joy of celebrating a sweet Garett would eat and enjoy. Joslyn was sad about something here. I'm pretty sure it's because we wouldn't let her lick anymore whip cream off until we got a picture. 

Spending time with Lauren is always a treat. She made the Olaf you see in the background and all the noses with it. Her and Garett were great entertainers for the kids! 
Here's Olaf! Totally done free hand. I can't wait to see what she does when she becomes a mom. Step aside pinterest. 

Here is Joslyn's new friend Brielle playing pin the nose on Olaf. We are so grateful they came. 

The kids. Cousin Mayli is so sweet and knows how to strike a pose. She didn't even mind being at a toddler party :) 
The cake that mum and Garett made. 
Towards the end of the party Joslyn just wanted to hang out with cousin Ryan. 
She was cracking us all up while she opened her gifts. 

Joslyns party was so fun. I totally forgot to charge our camera but I had so much fun and was savoring the party I don't know if I would have gotten very much pictures anyway.  
It's so nice to have family in arizona. It was also so fun to have my family come. Now that I'm further away from home. I am treasuring this time together so much more

Thursday, February 26, 2015

My sickness

God understands all. 

Everything, and He understands it perfectly. Hence why as mortals it is impossible for us to judge eternal matters as He does. Of course we are required to judge things. For instance, we have to judge what is appropriate for our family. It always amazes me what is right for my family is not right for another. 

Already with my family I've noticed some differences from the home I grew up in. I believe my parents raised me the way they should have and did things the best they could. And did what was right for our family. With my own family I've been doing some things the same some things different. It's mind blowing seriously. 

And so it is that I want to get into what type of things I want to talk about that I have been afraid to open up about. I feel like God wants me to share my story. Even though my story sharing may only help one person. Me. 

I matter that much to Him. Through my struggles and trials He has always been there. But I am forgetful at times. Writing has become my memory bank. 

I can remember a particular day my freshman year of college where I just couldn't understand my dad. I was frustrated. Why was he the way he was? I found (and later figured out I was guided) a letter that my dad wrote to his dad. I won't share what was in the letter because it was so personal and hard for my dad to write. Why would writing a letter to your dad be so hard? 

Here is where things get emotional for me

I never met my grandfather, my dad didn't meet him either. My grandfather was a smart man. And helped many who struggled with math learn to love it. He also only had one arm. He climbed the Tetons despite physical limitations. 

There was one BIG physical limitation he couldn't shake. He had a chemical imbalance. Which made him fall into depression. Which helped him make choices that ultimately left him feeling like his only way out was to take his own life. 

I don't ever judge him. I pray that someday I get to meet him. Modern medicine is so much more advanced than it was when he was alive. Why do I tell you all this? 

Well if you understand my family history you'll understand where I am coming from a bit better. My parents have always been open with us kids about feelings and especially feelings of sorrow and depression. 

I have to admit I even found myself viewing depression as a weakness. A man made weakness. Then Elder Holland came out with a talk that blew my mind. What if we treated physical illnesses the way we treated mental illnesses? "Can't you just NOT have cancer?" "Just make the bleeding stop!" "Can't you just push through the throwing up?" 

Sounds silly doesn't it? 
I'm here to tell you that what I call the cancer of the mind is very real. And I have it. 

It's weird to say because depressed is not a word I would use to describe myself. In fact I consider myself a happy person. So how in the world do I have depression? I could go on and on about chemical imbalances in your mind but in short. Things that healthy minds could shake off in an hour, or a day. For a sick mind take so much longer and sometimes are impossible without medication. Imagine having a sickness that the only way to get over it was to have an antibiotic. Would you take it? 

That doesn't mean everyone with chemical imbalances need medicine all of the time or maybe not even ever if mild enough. 

Or that healthy minds can't ever get sick for a period of time. 

Now you might be thinking "well what kind of depressed are you talking about? Because everyone gets depressed." 

Very true. Everyone does, we lose a loved one, get a lifetime illness, or even go through relationship separations. These are all very depressing. And can take a very very very long time to heal from. 

The kind of depressed I'm talking about is something that despite all your efforts is there. Everyday could be a depressing day for me. I have learned about "triggers". Triggers being things that set off depression/anxiety. And I try my hardest to stay far away from them. 
Some of mine are

Not having a routine
Not having money
Anything that doesn't go according to plan
Frustrating people
Frustrating situations
Something breaking
Losing people
Not knowing what is happening next
Being away from loved ones

I'm sure there are more things I could add but sounds like life right? I have to talk myself out of freaking out over the smallest things. For instance today I took my kids to the park (part of our new routine ��) then my kids couldn't agree on which park to go to. Then once we came to an agreement on a park (we made a plan ��) my son threw the biggest fit in the middle of the road. Suddenly both kids were screaming saying they didn't want this park they wanted another one. Even after they specifically told me the park we were currently headed too. Frustrating people, frustrating situation, change of plans, change of routine. But I was able to handle it. I had to tell myself there was a solution and we would go to another park. Disaster diverted. Still had our routine. 

Now that one was easy but you can see how I have my triggers and some situations are easier for my sick mind to work out of. 

There is a very very sick part of my mind that does tell me life is not worth living. That is not me. In fact it feels weird saying it out loud but it happens. And I know I'm not the only one and that's why I want to share it. 

These moments are in my case rare but very serious. And I'm not a doctor but I would say this is a good time to go see one. Or even sooner if necessary. 

We knew we were moving, we thought we knew when, no job, no money, but we knew we were supposed to move. This is how we got to arizona. We thought we had a place lined up we thought we had a full time job lined up. So we made preparations to move. The house didn't work out. We weren't real sure on the job our lease was ending and to my sick mind everything spiraled out of control. Everything looked so hopeless even though we were moving so Adam could go to school. 

I'm going to call a chemical imbalance/depressed mind what it is, a sick mind. It is not me. Someone who has cancer doesn't say I am cancer. So therefore I am not depressed. I have a chemical imbalance that causing me to feel depression.  Got the difference? I am a happy person who gets sick.  When you see me you would probably never guess I struggle with feelings of hopelessness. 

Read that a couple of times^

Eek can you tell I'm nervous to share the rare instances? Maybe I'll save it for another day. This post is long enough. 

Monday, February 23, 2015

Changes to blog

My son has become quite the photographer. He sneaks all kinds of pictures. Actually Joslyn loves taking pictures as well. I'm grateful that I don't have to develop rolls of film just to find the whole roll is of my daughters shoe. Or worse that she took photos of me going to the bathroom (true story)
But Thayne took this one of me and I am learning to enjoy his perspective on life and of me. I don't particularly enjoy photos of myself but he enjoys taking them im still learning to love myself. 

The other day Thayne made a comment to me that made me want to cry. He told me he didn't like the way his tummy poked out after eating. He wanted it flat. I told him that a full tummy meant he had food to eat and that he was growing. 

He persisted that he didn't like a full tummy. I wondered where he got such an idea to even say that. Then it hit me. Like a ton of bricks I had made a comment a week earlier to Adam that I could lose some weight in the tummy area and that I could tone up and have a flat tummy. 

Ugh such a hard thing to explain to a growing boy. After dinner last night I proudly showed Thayne my stomach and said "look I have a full tummy! It means I ate well and that I can grow!" Adam did the same. And soon we were all giggling and enjoying our full tummys. I need to watch what I say and do so carefully, both my children are sponges and thayne remembers everything. 

Which got me thinking about this blog, and how this will be a way to be remembered. Or for people who don't quite understand all that goes in my life to just get a glimpse and maybe misunderstand what I mean. I don't want that. And so this will be my last public blog post. I have prayed, thought, talked to my best friend, and decided to start a different public blog where I can write more broadly. While keeping this one to those who are family and close friends. Where I can share things that are personal and not worry about if I will offend someone because I will have a circle of those who love me. 

Thanks for your love and support shoot me an email at if you would like to continue reading this blog. Also I would love to hear what your favorite things I write about are. I have a few ideas for my new blog but it's always good to hear what others like. 

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

The most simple special Valentine's Day

Our Valentine's Day to others probably seems so simple and plain. Some might even go as far as to call it boring. 

We didn't watch a risqué movie, we didn't go to the club, we didn't even have a romantic just the two of us date. The media has portrayed Valentine's Day to be this day really about "doing the dirty" as one of my friends called it. I mean honestly. That's what the whole day has become about. 

Can I tell you how this v-day was my favorite and it wasn't focused on "doing the dirty"? First of all there are these beautiful roses I got. 

I wasn't expecting them at all. These beautiful flowers set off the mood for a classic evening. Adam came home from work Friday (he worked all day and night Saturday so we actually celebrated a day early) he brought home some food and cooked me a way better than red lobster meal. Because I love seafood. It was a meal we could all enjoy as a FAMILY. The meal was so perfect and after our meal we listened to classic Burt Bacharach songs. And danced I danced with Adam. Our kids danced together. I laughed and cried. It was a beautiful moment. I didn't want it to end. What could be more romantic than dancing with your sweetheart and watching your sweet son trying to figure out how to slow dance with his sister? I couldn't have imagined anything else I could have wanted to do. 

After everyone was tired of dancing we sat around our fire pit and made s'mores. We watched the fire together and I enjoyed the sound of laughter. And watching Thayne stuff as many marshmallows in his mouth as he could because I said "last smore!" 

We had the kids so wound up we ended up taking a very long time getting them to bed. And enjoyed a quiet evening together. 

It was a perfect day. There were no real "gifts". Adam made me a dinner that will probably be requested again shortly, and I set up dancing to Adams favorite songs. Our day was about our family and our love that we share together. It is a day I will cherish. 

No pictures were taken I just enjoyed it all and soaked it all in (if you can't tell the flowers picture was taken today). 

We were spoiled on v-day during Adams 2 hour break to go on a bike ride and look at model homes. Just the two of us. Thanks to wonderful Aunt Cindy. It just added to a perfect weekend. 

Simplicity is where it is at. No big stuffed animal, no jewlery, no amount of chocolate could have ever replaced what we all shared that day. I'm loving the simple life. 

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Arizona House part 2 (video tour)

Master bedroom, Bathroom and Closet




Thats it. we love our rental house. We feel so spoiled with all this room we have. 

Our Arizona House Part 1

We have been in this house for almost two weeks. 
Here is our tour a few people have wanted to see our house. 
It is not in its perfect state. But I thought it would be a good idea to show a video now because 
I have an easier time seeing progress that way.
I broke it into segments because I am not good with technology, its a real thing.
Not much of the house is organized yet but hey give me a break its only been two weeks!
Part 2 has the master bedroom and bathroom. And PS this could take a very long time to load.

Front door, entry way, living room and formal dining room turned into a piano room

Kitchen and dining area, pantry

Work out room, art room, office, playroom, 


Linen closet, laundry room, kids bunk bed


Kids toys and closet 


Main bathroom / Guest Bathroom


Guest room 


Saturday, January 17, 2015

Our move to Arizona

After years of wondering, praying, crying, laughing, and simplifying we came to this day. Adam and I have been in limbo for 3 years basically ever since we graduated college.  We went from cowboying lifestyle to business master to vet to now a PA. Two of those three years were spent in logan, Utah. I fell in love with logan from the first time I went there. Peaceful, hometown feel but everything you need close. We always had what we needed even when our income was zero. We will miss it dearly but are so excited for this new adventure. And now we are here! 

I took the above picture as we left logan. Praying that I would drive safe in the snow. I'm terrified of driving 
in the snow.  But we made it fine. 

We had some minor trials here 

The previous renters to our awesome house were hard on the place. We had one toliet that had water spewing out, a hot water hook up problem, and this sink that would not drain. Luckily we got the plumber to come out today and now all our plumbing problems are gone :) 

We also got to hang out with my cousins Robyn and her daughter Abby. The kids are in heaven. They love having family close and I've heard Joslyn wisper Abby's name all evening. We also have got to spend time with Adam's Aunt Cindy. And Adams Mema is coming over tomorrow. And then next week we are having a family party for Abby :) we prayed so hard to go to a school near family. And we feel so blessed to be here. This is the furthest we have ever lived from my family but we found some cheap flights round trip salt lake to phoenix. And we have a room we are saving for guests. So we plan on lots of visitors. Today I was reminded to pray more personally and so I added that to my New Years resolutions. 

Ooh also if you were wondering what my verdict was about deleting my facebook... I decided to keep it. :) but I don't know my password. It sounds silly but it works so good for me. I set a time to be on and Adam logs me in. I didn't realize how much I was on it until I did it. A half an hour goes by quick. I feel like a better mom. It's working well for me and is apart of another resolution I have to "break up" with my phone. Thanks for all your support and those of you who sent me messages telling me You liked having me on facebook. It reminded me why I liked being on there. To see how people are doing. It's something I enjoy. Now I don't have to feel I'm losing all my friends. Especially since we are so far away. Thanks for the good times logan.